I spend most of my time these days on SaveOnBrew.com - you should really check it out!!
I've been in the Internet marketing and development business since 1995, which I guess make me an "Internet Geezer".
Interested in communicating with me? - you can contact me here or via twitter or facebook
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When I was a very young boy I lived with my fraternal grandparents in Louisiana. They were very caring and loving to my brother, sister and me, and we were quite happy.
My father lived in a small house on the same lot as them. He rode a Harley Davidson, and had this really cool wooden cable spool as a coffee table in his living room that was covered in a photo collage of pics from girlie magazines on the top. He was an enigma to me, and I was intrigued by him and his life, but we weren’t very close. When I was 6 or 7 he started spending a bit more time with us and would bring us to meet and hang out with his girlfriend Becky. I was happy to be more involved in his life, at first anyway…
After a while, my dad and Becky got married and moved into a house, and we moved in with them. Not long after that my feelings about my father started to change. They went from feelings of wonder, to feelings of resentment. You see, my dad wasn’t the most kind and gentle man you ever met. He was quite rough around the edges and those edges had a tendency to cut and scrape me and my siblings, if you know what I mean…
As they years went by lots of things he did and said were very painful to me and created a riff between us that wound up lasting for many, many years. Now, up until the time I was 17 he did take care of me, and I even worked for his construction company during the summers and for a short stint while in college, but I always kinda hated it.
One of the biggest resentments I held on to was about the way he talked to me. It was like he expected me to know things that I had no way of knowing - like how to tie a knot, or do a math problem, or just stuff kids don’t know. He had a short fuse and was easily frustrated when I didn’t understand or learn fast enough. Sometimes I really thought he hated the fact that I wasn’t already grown-up. There were other things he did that hurt me very deeply and over time my resentment turned into a hate that eventually tore us apart for many years.
Dad was an alcoholic and drug addict whose father died of alcoholism when I was 7. He joined the Navy at an early age, where he honed his skills as a real asshole. He was often a very funny guy, but the sour taste in my mouth from the verbal, mental and physical abuse overshadowed the comedy, at least for me. He did finally go to rehab and got sober when I was 15, but it wasn’t till years later that who he really is as a person started to show up (more on that later).
In retrospect, I was pretty much a nightmare to deal with too, especially as I grew into my teen years. Behavior that probably could be considered fairly typical for a kid who had my background (there’s more about that, but this post is about my dad), so I wasn’t the easiest kid to deal with. I finally wound up getting my girlfriend pregnant when I was 16 and running away from home, never going back to live with my dad and stepmom.
I spent most of my late teens and early 20s avoiding my dad like the plague (even though there were times when I tried to gain his acceptance and love). I said for most of those years, and many years afterward that I would NEVER, NEVER, NEVER turn out to be like him - notice the emphasis? I was serious… I really didn’t like the man.
Well, like they say… Shit Happens! And, boy did it—life happened, and over the years, and through the pains and joys of my life, a lot of things changed. I had 2 more of my own children, married and divorced 3 times, had lots of rough spots in my life, many of which I am really not proud of. I’ve had some successes as well, and at this point in my life I don’t see things the way I used to… I am 44 years old today, and my life is pretty damn good. Of course it’s not “perfect” and I often struggle, but I am happy on most days. I love my kids, and have a great relationship with a wonderful woman. We work hard, play hard, and love to spend time doing stuff together.
My oldest daughter Lauren has 2 children, which makes me a grandfather (WOW!). I am not as close to them as I’d like to be, but that’s a story for another time. (Love you Lauren!)
Recently, we moved to Austin, Texas so I could be near my two youngest (their mom remarried and moved out here), and the house we moved into is awesome. It was built in 1920, and refurbed in 2008… A beautiful two story home, BUT it has NO storage, and we’ve had to make a few modifications here and there. Another problem was that because of our location in Austin (we’re up in the hills in west Austin), there is no natural gas service, so the stove we had was electric (YUK!). 3 weeks after we moved in the piece-o-crap electric stove started going on the fritz, and although we had discussed replacing it with a gas unit, we had waned to wait a while until we had a bit more cash—we had a lot of storage and miscellaneous crap to buy in order to deal with the storage issues, and make the house more livable. (Pardon the digression, I promise this is going somewhere!)
Anyway, the error code we were getting on the stove indicated that there was a board that needed to be replaced, and that was going to cost nearly as much as a new stove, so off to craigslist I go to look for a replacement, and BAM! There she was… A beautiful specimen… Kenmore Elite, duel-fuel gas range with a cool middle burner that holds a griddle/grill. The oven is both radiant heat and convection, it had already been converted to liquid propane and the price was right. So, I talked to the seller and arranged the pickup for the following Sunday, which went as smooth as butter…
That day we set up the stove in the kitchen with a 25 gallon propane tank just sitting next to it. I would have to get a few tools in order to drill a hole through our ceramic tile floor, and run the gas line out of the house to a larger tank. The next day, after getting what I needed (diamond-bit hole saw, gas line, etc.), I got started, and within an hour had it all set up and looking beautiful.
While I was doing all of this I started thinking about how awesome it is to be able to do stuff like that for yourself, and how lucky I am to be somewhat of a natural problem-solver and as resourceful as I am (I’m not boasting here, it’s just true, I’m pretty friggin handy, and if I don’t know how to do something, I can usually figure it out pretty quickly.)
Hmm… Lucky? I thought… No, it’s not as much that I am lucky, as much as it is that I learned to be this way from my dad. You see, my father is much more than the asshole I used to think he was. He is a very talented carpenter, and a master problem solver. Certain things just come naturally to him. He’s a smart, savvy, hard working entrepreneur who has created a pretty damn good life for himself. His wife, my stepmother Becky, is one of the most fiercely loving and loyal people I know, and he’s managed to stay married to her for almost 37 years now. He raised 3 more children after my departure from home (that’s 6 kids altogether), and things were much different for them growing up. My youngest sister (who is 13 now), keeps the spark in his eye and his protective senses strong, and I am sure is part of what gets him up so early every morning.
Over the years we have healed our relationship, and I have not only grown to love him dearly, and like him as a person, but have gained a level of respect for him that I can only hope my children have (or will have one day) for me. I know now that despite the rough times in our relationship, he really loves me and wants the best for me and my family. He has done a lot of really wonderful things for me that I will always remember and honor him for (I’m sure to him some of these things seemed very simple, but I know some were very difficult). The person he is to me now, and I believe he is to most anyone who really knows him, is someone to look up to, honor and respect.
So with that said, I want to give thanks and praise to the person I believe has most positively impacted my life, my father. Thank you dad, for who you are, who you’ve been, and what you done for me and the rest of our family. I love you with all of my heart, and am very proud to say I am your son. You inspire me, and make me strive to be a better man every day.
Greg
My Dad holding me when I was 3mos old.
Dad in his kitchen August 2010 - he’s in the middle of remodeling it!
“As you might imagine, the group reads like a list of Twitter trending topics. In fact, see if you can differentiate between the actual additions and popular Twitter hashtags. (Hint: “hashtag” belongs in the former category.)
Recently, TIME Magazinepublished a feature about the best beers for the summer. We anticipate that you’re a discerning beer drinker who can appreciate that there are different flavors for different seasons – and that you won’t stubbornly cling to your Miller High Life all year round. It’s time to expand your palate and enjoy the small pleasures in life – like seasonal brews paired with foods that are best enjoyed in the heat of summer. Here’s what they recommend for your Memorial Day beer tasting party…
1. Milk Stout Nitro (Left Hand Brewing Company – Longmont, CO)
A sweet dark chocolate stout like this will pair nicely with pulled pork, ribs, and burgers.
This dark clove and spice flavored wheat beer is best served with rich sausages or crisp apple pie.
8. Captain's Reserve Captain Lawrence Imperial IPA (Captain Lawrence Brewing – Elmsford, NY)
Pair your curry, Thai or jerk dishes with an extremely hoppy, high-ABV India Pale Ale.
9. Victory Summer Love Ale (Victory Brewing Co – Downingtown, PA)
Enjoy a refreshing, hoppy, slightly bitter blonde ale with your chicken, pizza or Mexican dishes.
And Remember, Friends… If you need to find the lowest advertised prices on delicious craft brews this summer, you know where to look! Save On Brew is the world’s ONLY beer price-search engine!
If you're a retailer and want to be listed FOR FREE please Contact Us.
*Please note: All photos by Alexander Ho, courtesy of TIME Magazine.
BEANTOWN BREWMASTER | Jim Koch, CEO of Boston Beer Co.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN the small get big? Craft beer is at a turning point. While upstart breweries continue to blossom—more than 150 opened last year—the companies that started the movement two and three decades ago have grown into relative giants. The largest by far is Boston Beer Co. Started by Jim Koch in 1984, today it operates three breweries and produces 1.2 million 31-gallon barrels of beer annually—so much, in fact, that last year the Brewers Association raised the definition of "craft" from a yearly cap of two million barrels to six million. This jostled a few industry pint glasses. After all, Boston Beer seems a far different breed than your local brewpub. And yet, it's farther still from, say, multinational beverage behemoth Anheuser-Busch InBev, which hit the two-million-barrel mark back in 1938. I joined Mr. Koch in his bustling Jamaica Plain, Mass., brewery to sample some new recipes and find out, as craft beer grows up, what it means to be small and whether Samuel Adams still counts.
You came early to craft beer, but you weren't the first. What did the craft beer world look like when you started Boston Beer?
Originally, craft brewing was marketing driven, not quality driven. The hope was that people would forgive you because you were small and cute. Drink the marketing, not the beer.
The names Boston Beer and Samuel Adams imply a specific story, or at least history. How'd you settle on them?
We're in Boston, so that wasn't hard. And you don't need to be a genius to know that you don't put the name Koch on a product 26-year-old men put in their mouth!
F. Martin Ramin for The Wall Street Journal
While upstart breweries continue to blossom—more than 150 opened last year—the companies that started the movement two and three decades ago have grown into relative giants.
You started by making lager—something that seemed both cutting into big guys' turf and expanding what most drinkers thought lager was, or could be.
Lager was a huge problem. It's much more expensive and difficult to make. But my family's German. This is what we do. I had a recipe from my great-great-grandfather. My dad said, The big guys will kill you. I said, Dad, I'm not competing with them. They make clean, consistent, inexpensive beer extremely well. You can go your whole life drinking Bud, Miller and Coors and never get a bad one. That's not true with craft beer.
So what makes you different than Budweiser?
It's what's in the glass. It tastes different. It's obvious.
What makes craft beer craft?
It's not quality. Everybody jumps on Budweiser. But they have better brewing skills than you do and they care just as much about their product as you do.
This month you're releasing a couple of new beers in your small-run Single Batch collection—Norse Legend, a Finnish juniper beer, and Verloren, a gose, made with salt and coriander. Most American drinkers have probably never heard of gose. Do you try to find old styles to resurrect?
Not that much. This didn't come from thinking, I want to educate people about salt in beer. It's about wanting to make great beer. The gose has a unique mineral note that I can't recall ever having in a beer. It'll be really interesting to see drinkers' reactions.
Have any beers failed?
There was a beer called WTF. Very experimental, a lot of things going on—steeping of whole flowers, barrel aging, very high alcohol. Everybody who rated it [on the beer-rating website Beer Advocate] gave it an "F." I remember watching people try to drink it out of the bottle and just blowing it out—Pffffff! I thought, We have the lowest-rated beer in history. Cool. Maybe we can get another one.
Our beer will make its own friends. Or not. Most of these [Single Batch series beers] have been commercial failures. That doesn't mean it's a bad idea. At our size, we can do whatever we want. You need to be big enough to be able to do it, but you also have to be small enough to want to do it.
You started a microloan program, Brewing the American Dream, for small food and drink businesses. But it's more than that—it's really a mentorship program.
When I started out, nobody made brewing equipment, nobody had brewing skills. You used old dairy equipment. Now, it's gotten easier—you can actually make your beer. But there are different problems. And I thought, just giving money away is lazy. That's ticking boxes. Businesses that recognize their social return perform better.
If big brewers like Anheuser-Busch wanted to make, say, a gose, they could, right? Why don't they?
You're focusing on the hardware, not the software. They have the resources. But it's more than money and hard assets. It's also a matter of passion. What do you love, what are you proud of? These are the things that motivate people.
You started as a home-brewer. Do you think you keep that spirit?
The line between a talented amateur and a practicing professional is largely arbitrary.
—Edited from an interview by William Bostwick
F. Martin Ramin for The Wall Street Journal
Norse Legend
New Boston Beer to Try Now
Norse Legend 7.0% ABV
This ancient Finnish rye-and-juniper-flavored beer, called sahti, was traditionally home-brewed by women; Boston Beer's Jennifer Glanville helmed its take on the style with a rustic, loamy bloom and fresh pine-needle finish.
F. Martin Ramin for The Wall Street Journal
Verloren
Verloren 6.0% ABV
German for "lost," Verloren dusts off a forgotten salt-infused Saxon style called gose. Just a dash (think milligrams per liter) goes a long way, balancing the beer's slightly sour tang, juicing up the touch of coriander and finishing the mix with a curious mineral edge, like a Manzanilla Sherry.
You’re always grabbing breakfast on the run, and it usually doesn’t include a cold one. Because beer is an essential part of your daily diet, we’re replacing your go-to morning munchies with suds of similar taste. Rise and shine with a breakfast of beers.
This light, summery beer smacks of apricot preserves and a flaky pastry crust. Balanced and fruity, take this one to go if you’re running late for your first meeting.
One sip of this slightly fruity Massachusetts beer, and you’ll swear you’re ripping into a fresh blueberry muffin that also happens to cure your hangover.
Orange juice: Lost Coast Brewery Tangerine Wheat Ale (5.0% abv)
Get some vitamin C with breakfast. This California wheat beer could easily swap in for orange juice from concentrate with its slightly sweet, mouthpuckering tang.
Bursting with banana flavor, this British beer is made by the brewery behind Young’s Double Chocolate Stout. Not surprisingly, it’s sweet enough on its own without any maple syrup, but we won't judge if you add a drop.
Coffee: Peak Organic Oak Aged Mocha Stout (8.4% abv)
Because you can’t start your day without a cup of joe. This high gravity mocha stout tastes like tastes and smells like diner coffee, but will definitely leave you with a better buzz.
Germans don't just limit their smoking skills to meat. This wheat beer is brewed according to the German Beer Purity Law, even with it's smoky taste. Hints of peat and cherry make this beer as close to a slice of thick-cut hickory bacon as you’re gonna get in a bottle.
Daina Ringus is a doctoral candidate in Food Science, specializing in food microbiology. She co-founded the Cheese Club at Cornell, and is a cheese, wine, and spirits enthusiast.
Craft beer sales grew by 15 percent in 2011. (Jason E. Kaplan) “The world almost seems flipped on its side — a revolution has happened,” reported Benj Steinman, president of the trade publication Beer Marketer’s Insight, in assessing the state of craft brewing.
Steinman was addressing a crowd at the 2012 Craft Brewers Conference that unfolded May 2-5 amidst the gentle sea breezes and swaying palms of San Diego. Most of the news from the conference was good, often spectacularly so. Craft beer finished 2011 up 13 percent in volume and 15 percent in dollars, according to Paul Gatza, president of the Brewers Association, which organized the event. There were 250 openings and only 37 closings last year, pushing the total number of breweries in the United States to 1,989. That figure has now exceeded 2,000, he added, joking that another two nanobreweries probably went online during his turn at the podium.
Under the circumstances, keynote speaker Steve Hindy, former AP Middle East correspondent and co-founder of the Brooklyn Brewery, could be forgiven a little boasting. “I’m sure you all had someone walk into your brewery and ask, ‘Did you ever imagine it getting this big?’ I answer, ‘Hell, yes!’”
The disturbing news was that, according to Gatza, there are currently 1,119 additional breweries in the planning stage.
Disturbing?
There is fear within the industry that there might be a bubble about to burst, that the burgeoning number of new brands could push distribution channels to the breaking point. It scares at least one Mid-Atlantic brewer, who nevertheless was planning an expansion to keep apace with the competition.
But those worries didn’t spoil the party.
The BrewExpo Trade Show was rife with innovations in packaging, including a disposable clear plastic keg; a growler that resembles a milk carton; and a spout-top can with a resealable screw-on cap. The latter is “great for kickball; you can knock it over and not spill any,” said Chad Melis, spokesman for the Colorado-based Oskar Blues brewery.
Oskar Blues was certainly the biggest newsmaker of the conference, announcing that it’s opening an East Coast branch in Brevard, N.C. It will thus become the third western brewer, after Sierra Nevada and New Belgium, to move into the Tarheel State. The new facility, said Melis, will become operational later this year and be capable of churning out 40,000 barrels right from the start. It will include a restaurant and feature live music.
Local beermaker DC Brau made a splash by winning a “Canny” award (second place, best overall design) for its Corruption IPA. This beauty contest for aluminum containers was sponsored by the Ball Corp., worldwide manufacturer of beverage cans, and several other industry suppliers of packaging and machinery.
(Incidentally, there are now 179 craft brewers canning beers, stated Gatza. “A decade ago, there were zero.”)
The conference drew a record 4,500 attendees. Apparently none of the San Diego breweries could accommodate a crowd that size, so the BA held the opening reception at the San Diego Zoo. On subsequent nights, guests could slake their thirst at a gazebo outside the convention site offering 140 draft beers.
Washington D.C., which will host the Craft Brewers Conference next year, has a tough act to follow.
Postscript: Every other year, the CBC hosts the World Beer Cup, an international judging that this year attracted a record 3,921 beers from 54 countries competing for medals in 95 categories. Among the winners, posted during the wee hours of Sunday (it takes a while to read out 284 award recipients), was Vienna Lager from Devils Backbone Brewing Co. in Roseland, Va. The malt-accented amber lager, recently introduced into Northern Virginia, was the gold medalist in the Vienna-style lager niche.
Arlington’s Rock Bottom Brewery snagged a bronze in the coffee beer category for its Coffee Stout. Two other Virginia breweries with a local presence took home a silver: Blue Mountain Brewery in Afton for its Blue Reserve (American-Belgo-style ale) and Sweetwater Tavern in Centreville for its GAR Pale Ale (extra special bitter). Flying Dog Brewery in Frederick also earned a silver in the aged beer slot for its Vintage Horn Dog barley wine.
The redemption of the economy may start with the type of brew you keep in your fridge
(Credit: iStockphoto/Stratol)
The grand unifying theory of the American consumer has been that we are, first and foremost, low price fetishists. There’s ample evidence supporting this view: From Wal-Mart’s prominence to the fast food industry’s ongoing success, vast swaths of the economy are indeed built on the premise that buyers will prioritize discounts and quantity over premium prices and quality.
But ever so quietly, we are starting to see the rise and success of a competing vision, one that turns the old assumption on its head. In the technology arena, for instance, Apple is successfully challenging the PC world with a business model that convinces consumers to pay higher prices in exchange for better reliability, durability, efficiency and customer service. Likewise in the transportation world, more and more consumers are willing to pay higher prices upfront for hybrid and electric vehicles in exchange for the promise of lower long-term energy costs. This has encouraged companies like Philips to introduce more expensive light bulbs, in hopes that consumers will pay more for illumination that promises to use less electricity and last 20 years.
Nowhere, though, is the battle between the low-price/quantity business model and the higher-price/quality business model more clear than in the world of beer. In the fevered battle between the macrobrew behemoths and the craftbrew insurgents, both sides are digging in for an epic confrontation.
The history of the face-off is illustrative. For decades, the big brewers (Anheuser Busch, MillerCoors, etc.) have marketed their products less on the basis of taste or quality than on identity branding. What you drank subsequently became a statement not necessarily of what your taste buds enjoyed, but of your self-image. The Miller versus Budweiser wars and Old Milwaukee ads, for instance, were so often a pitch to guys looking for working-class street cred. Meanwhile, Pabst Blue Ribbon lately has been pitched as a retro-themed statement of hipster style.
This kind of marketing made a certain sense, because while macrobrew brands are certainly appealing, the actual beers in question are basically terrible. Produced through the macrobrews’ low-price, high-volume process, they don’t contain high-quality ingredients, they don’t contain much alcohol and, thus, they simply don’t taste good. Knowing this, the macrobrews have logically designed their marketing campaigns to focus on everything (the can, the type of people who drink it, the logo, etc.) but the actual product. Indeed, if there’s one ubiquitous reference that macrobrewing companies make to the beer itself, it’s usually one telling you how cold the beer is or should be — a temperature that, quite deliberately, helps hide just how bad the beer actually is.
The obvious assumption in this business model is that Americans generally reward low price over everything else, and specifically preference beer that is cost-effective to drink in mass quantities, rather than beer that delivers more alcohol or taste in less volume of liquid. In other words, the model assumes consumers see beer as a homogenized, undifferentiated commodity and that therefore less can never be more. In this view, more is always more, and since cheaper means more, cheaper is inherently better.
This is not a silly assumption, of course, in a country whose college binge-drinking culture teaches kids to prefer quantity at an early age. However, it ignored a potentially profitable market of beer drinkers with a different set of priorities. That’s where the craft brew industry came in.
In the last few years, small brewers have filled the vacuum left by macrobrewers, specifically marketing higher-priced products based on premium quality and taste. It’s been a wildly successful endeavor. 2011’s sales results tell that story: In a year that saw an overall decline in the beer market, the craft brewing industry increased its year-to-year sales by 15 percent and substantially grew its share of the total market. And here’s the key stat: according to the Brewer’s Association, “craft brewing sales share in 2011 was 5.7 percent (of the total beer market) by volume and 9.1 percent by dollars.”
That gap between share of total volume and share of total dollars generated is the high-price/high-quality/low-volume business model at work. Basically, craft brewers are generating a much larger share of beer revenue than they are contributing to the overall volume of beer in America — meaning that, contrary to previous trends, a growing share of consumers are willing to pay more for less, as long as the product is the comparatively higher-quality product that craft brewers provide.
Will this trend continue? Will the craft brew industry follow in, say, Apple’s footsteps and become the next high-quality David vanquishing the quantity-over-quality Goliath? It’s hard to say, but unlike in most other industries, the battle doesn’t look like it will be muddled by compromise — which makes it a hugely important test case.
Recall that in other major industries, the establishment’s low-price titans have typically tried to crush the high-price/high-quality upstarts by partially mimicking them — think Microsoft copying Apple or Wal-Mart partially pantomiming Whole Foods. In the beer industry, by contrast, it’s the opposite. Save for a few mini-brands like Coors’ Blue Moon line, which pretend to be a craft brew product, the macrobrew moguls are largely doubling down on their old low-price/low-quality/high-volume formula.
So, for example, Coors Light isn’t changing its watered-down product; it’s simply going with color-changing cans. Pabst is thinking about introducing not any higher-quality lines, but instead trying to brand its products to the military. And most blatantly, Miller has just launched this television campaign promoting a new can that allows the beer to be consumed as quickly as possible.
Though thinly veiled as a mechanism for better drinkability, the new “punch-top” can is obviously developed as the first specifically engineered to shotgun beer — that is, specifically designed to drink beer in a way that makes sure you don’t actually taste the beer. The unique selling proposition of the campaign is incredibly blatant in its embrace of the low-price/high-volume model: It is screaming at you to buy the cheap product exclusively because everything about it — the beer and even the can — is aimed at helping you pour it into your body without even having to taste or savor it. In this “punch top” innovation, Miller is effectively acknowledging that its customer base is those who drink only for volume — and it’s trying to thus convince more beer enthusiasts that speed drinking is a virtue.
The craft brewing industry, by contrast, is going in the opposite direction, trying to direct the beer-drinking population away from volume for volume’s sake. Visit a liquor store with a wide selection of microbrews and you’ll find an ever-more diverse selection of specialized offerings, from double IPAs to sour beers to barley wines. Notably, many of these products are sold in smaller sizes — four-packs or single pint-size bombers — making their price-per-ounce of beer far higher than the typical macrobrew. Additionally, what innovations the industry has made to beer technology tend to be fundamentally different from those of the macrobrew companies: They tend to be aimed at making the beer itself actually taste better (best example: Left Hand’s breakthrough creation of a bottled, widget-free milk stout on nitro).
In the competition for the future of drinking, both sides are obviously trying to exploit their strengths and minimize their weaknesses. The massive macrobrewing corporations are trying to take advantage of their size and corresponding ability to produce volume — all while playing down the fact that their beers have little local character or quality. The craft brewing industry, composed mostly of independent small and medium-size businesses, know they can’t compete in a volume game, and so they are trying to promote quality and diversity. It’s a straightforward fight — one that may seem only interesting to drinkers, but one that truly transcends the inebriation industry. It underscores both consumer shifts and questions about what kind of economy we want in the future.
Will we be a country of high volume and low quality? Or can we become an economy of quality and price premium? Whether it’s drinking, buying computers or choosing what industrial policy to support, we are in the process of answering those questions.
A Macrobrew Economy — a high-volume, low-price model — asks us to compete with other such economies throughout the world, and the problem is that countries like China will always have lower-priced labor, more lax environmental regulations and lower production standards to win a battle that rewards more and cheaper for more’s and cheaper’s sake. By contrast, a Craft Brew Economy — a high-quality, lower-volume model — is a different proposition. It follows the German model, which, as Time magazine notes, is all about being “committed to making the sort of high-quality, high-performance, innovative products for which the world will pay extra.”
The choice is ours — and it starts with the beer in your fridge.
David Sirota is a best-selling author of the new book "Back to Our Future: How the 1980s Explain the World We Live In Now." He hosts the morning show on AM760 in Colorado. E-mail him at ds@davidsirota.com, follow him on Twitter @davidsirota or visit his website at www.davidsirota.com.
Most baseball parks have caught on with the craft beer wave.
To evaluate the heavy hitters, I comprised a baseball lineup of the best ballparks to enjoy craft beer.
Today’s starting lineup...
1. Miller Park, Milwaukee Brewers
The leadoff hitter is one dimensional, not a lot of power, but they need to get on base. Miller Park has an amazing selection of Wisconsin craft beers: New Glarus, Capital, Leinenkugel’s, Lakefront, Sprecher and Milwaukee Brewing Company.
Second batter is a little more versatile. The home of the Padres’ has some of SoCal’s best breweries represented: Stone Brewing Co., Green Flash and Ballast Point.
This park is named after a beer so you have to expect big things from this park. Lots of power here: Oskar Blues, New Belgium, Boulder Beer Co. and SandLot.
Another spot in the lineup you expect power out of and this stadium won’t let you down: Elysian, Deschutes, Firestone Walker, Lagunitas, Alaskan, Mac & Jacks and Boulevard.
Visitors to PNC Park can purchase a Beer Passport, which allows them in the gates 90 minutes early and gives fans access to a beer tasting of some great craft brews: Erie Brewing, Flying Dog, Church Beer Works, Victory, Tröegs and East End.
With the second Pennsylvania ballpark in a row, there are lots of good options for brews in this state. The Phillie Phanatic has plenty of in-game options: Sly Fox, Flying Fish, Yards Brewing and Victory.
The new home of the Twins paid extra attention to the best local craft brews and beer drinkers would not be disappointed: Surly, Fulton, Summit, Finnegans, and Schells.
If you thought that Corona was the cool thing to be drinking this Cinco de Mayo... THINK AGAIN!
It's true that Mexican beers are the top-selling imports in America. It's also true that Corona Extra has risen to prominence in recent years, dominating the competition with more than 115 MILLION CASES sold in the US each year.
But I shouldn't have to tell you that the average American will buy any sort of Godforsaken lime-stuffed pisswater, so long as it's perceived as "cool." Corona with lime quickly became "the club drink" in American bars in the 1980s. Yet, before you grab that case of Corona, I beg of you to consider how UNCOOL Corona has gotten in recent years.
Now the only suckers that drink Corona are...
The people who drank the water in Tijuana and are forever deranged...
Absolutely terrifying freaks who buy boxes of beer as costume accessories...
Teenagers who couldn't find a date to their high school prom...
Sluts...
Dear God, so many sluts...
And the fatties...
The Bros...
The Trashmoes...
Moms who think fucking jean jackets are still cool and rebels who sneak beer to work in Starbucks cups...
The 11-year-old daughters of said jean-jacket wearing moms...
Asians (and you know they are at least 10 years behind any US trend)...
Cats (Really? Do you really want to drink a beer that a cat likes? They have brains the size of peas!)...
This Guy ('Nuff Said)...
Hipsters...
Beer Posers...
Cheesy old guys...
AND Snookis!
I hope by now you see the errors of your ways.
You've fallen prey to false advertising. You bought that “A Refreshing Change of Beer" ad hook, line and sinker. You yearned to party on roof-top patios for reasons you couldn't even explain. And you laughed when the chick squirted her man's wandering eye with lime juice. It's okay... it happens to the best of us. But you need to renounce the error of your ways and move past this stumbling block. Admit that Corona is cat urine in a bottle and move on.
Instead... Try These Cinco De Mayo Beers!
Pacifico
- A German-style Pilsner that is more akin to what the locals actually drink.
Negro Modelo
- A dark lager with subtle hints of caramel, chocolate and orange!
Dos Equis Amber
- Beware of the variety that comes in a skunky green bottle...
But the Amber Lager tastes of grains, sweet malt, and a touch of caramel.
Bohemia
- An unexpectedly rich, earthy beer with grassy hops, crispness, cocoa bitterness, and hints of sweet grain
One Final Note
While you're enjoying your fajitas and Mexican beers, make sure you understand what you're celebrating.
We Americans get a bad rap around the world for being complete dumbasses, so you don't need to make it any worse.
First of all, it's pronounced "Synch-Oh De My-Oh," not mayo like you spread on your bologna sandwiches.
Secondly, this holiday is not Mexico's Independence Day (which is September 16th, by the way); it's the commemoration of the Mexican Army's unlikely victory over French forces at the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862. (So, if you're a Frenchie who has always celebrated this holiday, you may want to take this moment to question your own existence... but then go about your beer as though nothing has happened because there's no point in brooding over it.)
I'm all for any holiday that gives us a fresh excuse to enjoy our favorite beverage. All I ask is that you think before you drink!
Dyngus Day is a Polish-American tradition celebrated on the Monday after Easter. Though not widely celebrated nationwide, it’s a much-anticipated post-Lenten bash in places like Buffalo, Chicago, Pittsburgh and South Bend. Customarily, men douse women in water...
<- (NO! That's not what we're talking about... but NOT a bad idea...)
... while women hit the men with pussywillow branches. Polka bands play, while couples dance. People eat kielbasas, pierogies and golombkis. Beer drinking is definitely a big part of this tradition too, which is why beer price tracker SaveOnBrew.com decided to get involved.
“Look, I’m clearly not Polish,” says site Co-Founder and hard-core Coon Ass Greg Thibodeaux, “but that doesn’t mean I don’t love a good excuse to get my drink on! I don’t even know how to pronounce ‘Zwiec’ properly, but I can tell you the most inexpensive place to find it in your zip code.”
SaveOnBrew.com is an essential tool for partiers who plan to buy beer for Dyngus Day. This new website, which is also available as a mobile site, tracks the prices of beer nationwide, with 200,000 – 300,000 deals listed on any given day and over 50,000 vendors tracked. New beer brands are added by the day, Thibodeaux says, and their latest addition includes Tyskie, Zwiec and Okocim.
Polish beers, by nature, are brewed with balance in mind. Unlike American microbrews -- which often infuse complex flavors like fruit aromas, honey, or toffee – Polish beers have a soft grainy / grassy taste that finishes smooth for an all-around great beer after a hard day’s work. Generally, the Polish import beers found in America are light varieties.
Tyskie Polish beer (pronounced Tisk-YEAH) is an award-winning beer that dates back to 1629. It comes with a delicate aroma, light golden color and thick white head. This Polish beer appeals to people who like the clean taste and light body of Lagers.
Zwiec (pronounced ZSHIV-yets) is another lager-style Polish beer that some people say tastes like “bread pudding” or “banana and sweetbread.” This beer appeals to people who like Miller and Bud, but also to import beer enthusiasts.
Okocim Polish beer (pronounced OH-ko-cheem) is listed as “malt liquor” on some labels, due to its 7.5% ABV and U.S. regulations. Drinkers describe it as a pale Polish pilsner, which would appeal to anyone who likes a lighter malted barley taste without too much hops or aftertaste.
Anyone who would like to know the prices of beer in their area can visit www.SaveOnBrew.com, click the “I’m 21… Let Me In” button, enter their zip code, and get the best beer prices in their area. Searches can be narrowed down by brand, store, quantity and other variables. While thirsty beer drinkers are perusing the site, they can also read the wildly entertaining and controversial posts on the Cheap Beer Blog.
“The cheapest beer doesn’t have to taste like paint thinner and soggy cereal,” Thibodeaux explains. “You can find great deals on festive import beers like Tyskie, Okicim and Zwiec at SaveOnBrew.com.”
Being born on April Fools’ Day isn’t as glamorous as you’d think.
One year, my sister put a pickled beet in the middle of my cake and made me throw up all over the place before I’d even started drinking. What a bitch, right? Well, the good news is that you don’t have to be born on April Fools’ Day to act a fool and ruin your friends’ lives with these three so-bad-they’re-good beer selections.
Ed Hardy Premium Beer
First of all, let me start by saying that people who like Ed Hardy for anything more than tattoos are dumb twits.
Is his $100 hair dryer really any better than my $10 one that has survived a fall from a two-story window, attacks by German Shepherds and two little sisters? No. Does his $70 t-shirt make you look more hip and intriguing at the bar? Not a chance. So it stands to reason that an Ed Hardy beer is just the right April Fools’ joke for that friend who obviously tries too hard to be cool.
Here’s how the joke will go:
First, your friend’s eyes will light up when he sees the label.
Then he’ll say, “Whoa! I didn’t know Ed Hardy made beer!”
You’ll think, “He doesn’t, you dumb fuck. They just paid a royalty for his name so idiots like you will buy shit beer at a premium price.”
He’ll then sip it and smile nervously, pretending that he liked it for your sake.
He’ll hope to unload some of this sick brew by asking if you want one
You’ll decline, knowing better.
He’ll then drink the whole case to look super cool and have a terrible hangover the next day.
At this point, it’s safe for you to say, “April Fools! I knew it was gross!”
Tastes Like: Sweet Bandaids… like Old Milwaukee with a hint of corn and copper aftertaste.
Evil Eye
I should start by warning you that Evil Eye has 10% ABV. This makes it a great selling point when gifting it to a friend. The fact that it comes dolled up in this nifty can (rather than the 40 ounce transparent bottle of piss water the town drunk is swigging out of) makes it so much cooler.(But, to be clear, you CAN get the 40 ounce bottle if you want to class up the joint a bit!)
Here’s how the joke will go:
You proudly hand it to him, saying, “Look what I found for you! Check out the ABV on this bad boy!”
Your friend’s eyes bug out. “Wow!” he’ll say, utterly speechless.
He’ll take a swig and immediately cringe… then he’ll laugh.
“Oh my God, what is IN this? Dude, try this,” he’ll say.
You’ll shake your head and laugh, “No, no… April Fools!”
He’ll then pour the rest down the drain and tell you, “I’m not that desperate.”
He (or she) might punch you.
Tastes Like: Pig fetus with grapes, green apple gum, cotton candy, paint thinner and hobo wine.
Beer Here Tia Loca
This is a great beer for your Jewish friends – or your guilt-laden German friends, for that matter.
You must preface this joke by saying, “I found the PERFECT beer for you!” That will really set up how bad a friend you are. This German-meets-Belgian style Witbier is not just horribly offensive at first glance -- with fat asses falling from the sky, a German Shepherd carrying a yellowed femur bone and the notorious man with the moustache himself looking as if he walked straight out of a Popeye cartoon -- but it’s also packed with disgusting fruit that no one can truly describe. We’ve heard everything from apricots, apples and bananas to mangos, grapefruits and peaches.
Here’s how the joke will go:
You’ll say, “I found the PERFECT beer for you! The label really sums up our friendship. I can’t wait to show you!”
Your friend will have a smug smile that disappears quicker than a whore’s panties once he sees the label.
You might then want to run for cover to avoid being bottled.
You can then say, “April Fools” and hope your friend has a sense of humor.
Then the two of you can pour it over ice cream and share a sudsy cordial.
Tastes Like: Citrusy, sour cheese with bananas, sugar, pepper, hops, wheat, apple and marijuana.
DISCLAIMER #1: These beers were chosen specially with April Fools’ Day shock value in mind, not because I’m a hater of weird microbrews, opposed to witbier, or too uppity for beer-in-a-can.
DISCLAIMER #2: Yes, I am a guilt-laden German and a prankster, but my Jewish friends don’t hold it against me.
Oh you States with your whacky beer laws. Don't deny the plebes, for they shalt rise up and smite thee if the golden nectar is denied!
Alaska – In Fairbanks, Alaska, it is illegal to give beer to moose. Once they get on it, they’re hooked!
They're downright insatiable! Pretty soon they’re trampling suburban housewives in the parking lots to tear into their groceries in search of cans to munch on and getting stuck in trees!
Arizona – An obviously intoxicated person can only stay for 30 minutes at the establishment that recognized he was drunk. I’d imagine people could get pretty good at slamming drinks in that period of time. “Aw, shit, Pepe’s drunk again. Load him up and bleed his wallet dry before we gotta send him onto the next bar.”
Arkansas – The Baptist Church bought up all the alcohol permits in many counties… and they’re not selling… so guess what? Forty-two counties in Arkansas are defacto “dry.” If you’re lucky you can find kids brewing Moonshine in their backyard that haven’t poisoned themselves yet or you could drive just over the state border and buy until your heart’s content… just like your great-grandpap the bootlegger.
California – A beer brewer cannot release a list of names where their beer is sold or served. Thank God for the power of the Googles! (and SaveOnBrew!)
Colorado – The sale of alcohol is prohibited on Election Day. Goddamnit! The only thing more fun than drunk-dialing is drunk voting! Remember that time we voted for Jonathan “The Impaler” Sharkey? Yeah… good times... damn good times.
Florida – You can only buy a 32 ounce or 128 ounce growler (gallon); the industry standard 64 ounce growler is illegal. Florida drives a hard bargain, don’t they? Either you can leave the brewery with a piddly little sipper that’ll barely wet your whistle or a behemoth tank that is likely to go flat before you can finish. The question is… how many drunks does it take to drink a gallon of beer?
Iowa – You cannot run a beer tab at a bar. Since when do the bartenders have a union? Are they allowed to collectively bargain for unpaid tips on excessive bar tabs? What do you care if I never pay back Citibank anyway? Fuck Citibank! Am-I-Right!? They were stupid enough to up my credit limit when they can plainly see all I buy on my plastic is beer, beer and more beer IN EXCESS.
Kentucky – You can spend up to five years in jail for mailing a friend a bottle of beer, wine or spirits. This just proves that you just can’t do someone a favor these days. It’s every man for himself! But seriously, what do they want your beer in Kentucky for when they have some of the finest Bourbon in the land?
Maine – It is illegal to possess an unlabeled, unregistered keg. Possession may result in a fine of $500 and/or jail time.
Destroying the label on a keg is punishable by a fine of $1,000 or 6 months in prison.
Now the owner of Jimmy’s Sgt. Pepper’s Party Store doesn’t want to sell to minors anymore. Great, just great! I guess the kids will just have to go back to long hours on the lobster boats with no beer to calm their surly seadog souls.
Maryland – Alcohol beverage writers must be certified as experts by an agency of the state before receiving product samples, which is limited to 3 bottles per brand. Wait, what? Writers get product samples? It’s time for a Gonzo road trip to get myself certified! How many brands are there again?
Michigan – It is illegal to serve any type of alcohol on Christmas Day. Santa had better put a 2-4 under my tree! He knows I have nothing to live for if in Detroit! Is it any wonder that the entire city of Detroit is in bankruptcy? It’s not the metro system that needs revising – it’s these dated beer laws! Nothing says “Christmas” more than the green of money being exchanged at the bar and the red of alcohol poisoning puke, after all.
Mississippi – There is a 6 percent ABV cap on beer, but you can buy 18 percent fortified wine. You know what they say… “When In Rome…”
Missouri – In Natchez, it is illegal to provide beer or any intoxicants to elephants. But why not? Elephants run through the whole intelligent gamut of emotions. I’d think they could surely exhibit maudlin, drunk-and-horny, and mad-drunk. I suppose the problem would be that one lone elephant that suddenly disappears from the party and wakes up in a random horse stable in a pile of peanuts with no idea how he got there.
Nebraska – It is illegal for bartenders to brew beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup. Well, I suppose the teetotal-ing wives needed to eat something while their husbands were drinking their calories, pint by pint. Personally, I would hope they’re making beer cheese soup – don’t let a drop go to waste!
New Jersey – If you get a DUI, you have to wait at least 3 years before you are allowed to get a personalized license plate.
F! What if someone takes one of the plates you’ve been pining for? You know DRUNKER will already be taken by then! What if DRUNKQT, DUIDRVR, MYCRONA, BEERSLT, BEERGOG, or BEERGUT are gone too?
North Dakota – It’s illegal to serve beer and pretzels at the same time. I’m guessing this one was enacted after George W. Bush almost choked to death on a pretzel…?
Ohio – It is illegal to get a fish drunk. So no puking into your friend’s fish tank; no swallowing a live fish while chugging from the beer bong; and no giving your fish a little sip of Flying Fish American Trippel as a night-cap. Got that?
Pennsylvania – It’s illegal to buy more than two packages of beer at a time unless you are buying from an official “beer distributor.” Six-packs can only be bought at taverns and only up to 2 per person. It’s ok. I can only carry two six-packs in my bicycle basket at one time anyhow… wouldn’t want to tip over face first into a pool of beer, broken glass and shattered dreams.
Tennessee – It is illegal to dare a child to buy beer. Oh, but it’s so easy! It’s like daring toddlers in Jakarta, Indonesia to smoke a pack of cigarettes in one hour. They’d like nothing more than to do just that!
Texas - It is illegal to take more than three sips, swigs, or gulps of beer while standing. In Texas, you need to drink like a real man. If you’re still standing, then that means you are way too far under the legal limit. Keep drinking!
Utah – Beer can only contain 3.2 percent alcohol content or less. Isn’t that, by definition, non-alcoholic beer? Shit, well, if you can’t have a real beer to be a real man, you may as well have as many wives as possible. You’ll be so busy satisfying them all, you won’t have to worry about all the hangovers you’re missing.
Virginia – Passengers can be charged with DUIs along with the drivers. How do they know we like to play Chinese Fire Drill when we’ve been drinking?
Washington – It is illegal to destroy the beer bottle or cask of another. Remember that time we were in Seattle and I snatched your bottle out of your hands and cracked you over the head with it? That was really funny, but totally illegal, so shhhhh...
As MSNBC says, many of these stupid beer laws are falling off the books as desperate lawmakers realize (gasp!) anti-law beers are bad for tourism! Um, why did they think we all went to Canada at 19 and backpacked in Europe as teenagers? Because we will do anything for that forbidden nectar of the gods!
Jennn
P.S. - no Moose were harmed in the procuring of photo's for this article!
I’ll never forget the first time I went to Syracuse, New York. I was greeted by an orange-faced man on the sidewalk (and no, we’re not talking that fake tanning shit everyone flying to Miami on holiday is into). He was literally orange.
Then I was greeted by another orange-faced man… and another… it was like a fleet of fat giant-sized drunk oompa-loompas double-fisting Keystones. These are Syracuse fans... year round.
For most of us, March Madness is just another tradition to share with our other binge-drinking alcoholic friends.
Do we really need an excuse anymore? I was just pounding drinks with my friends to celebrate the win of a large Tim Horton’s coffee on their roll-up-the-rim-to-win contest.
Before we get to the rules, a few SaveOnBrew Pro Tips! (tm!)
Tip #1: Pick & choose the rules you want… but remember, the simpler, the better when dealing with drunks!
Tip #2: Write the rules on a poster board or something so there is no ambiguity.
Tip #3: For the love of Christ, do this at home or – better yet – a friend’s home whose carpet is still untested. We don’t want to see you falling off stools and puking into your coat in public like some kind of freshman pledge.
The 2012 SaveOnBrew March Madness Drinking Game Rules:
Take 1 Drink --
Every time the announcers use the phrase “Body of Work.”
Every time the announcers say the word “Round.”
Every time the announcers use the word “Madness.”
Whenever the announcer uses the word “Power.”
When the word “Conference” is used.
Whenever they call the key “The Paint.”
When a player is described as a “Darkhorse.”
When a player hits the deck to save the ball and succeeds.
For every foul shot your team scores.
For every swear word YOU proclaim while watching.
Take 2 Drinks --
For every basket your team scores (holy crap! pray you're watching the ladies play!).
For every Buffalo Wild Wings commercial you see.
When a player hits the deck to save the ball and fails.
For every swear word the coach mouths.
For every slam-dunk, either team.
Whenever one of the “Jock Jams” you practiced to in grade school basketball plays.
Take 3 Drinks --
For every 3-pointer your team scores.
For every BEER commercial you see.
For every technical foul.
For every celebrity spotted in the crowd.
Finish Your Beer --
For a steal / slam-dunk.
For a shot made from half-court.
Get A New Beer & Finish It --
If a nine-seed or higher makes it to the final four.
If South Dakota State wins it all.
So there you have it! And remember, greet your fellow March Madness drinking buddies with the timeless classic: "May your brackets milk well"
Taxes?! Taxes are for sucks. We couldn't agree more. But what sucks even more than taxes are taxes on beer. I mean, c'mon guys -- it's BEER. Leave the damn beer alone!
But our governments, both state and federal, want their fair share. Those roads don't build themselves, ya know.
So the good folks over at Townhall Finance (snooze fest!) Taxfoundation.Org (zzzz) came up with a pretty good article showing the juxtaposition between beer and taxes. I can sum up the experience in one word: OUCH.
Here in the United States of Texas, we pay a middling twenty cents per something-or-other. It's hard to tell (but we're pretty sure it's per gallon (we are the beer experts, after all...)). No matter, we hate paying. We count ourselves lucky though. In Georgia and Alabama it's more than a buck PER gallon. That's worse than gas!
Anyway, it's another reason to use SaveOnBrew where we bring you ALL of the advertised beer deals! Enjoy...
How much tax will you pay on a can of beer?
The answer is: it depends. Specifically, it depends upon which U.S. state you might be in when you buy that 12-ounce container of 4.7% alcohol-by-volume beer that you'll be taking "off-premise" to consume. The good news is that the Tax Foundation has mapped it all out for you!
As we can see, both Alabama and Georgia are by far the most expensive places in the U.S. to buy and consume a beer "off-premise". Which perhaps explains why these two states stand out so much among their neighboring states when annual beer consumption is mapped out for each state (HT: Sloshspot):
Looking over the map, it appears that state excise taxes for beer have quite a bit to do with how much beer is consumed within the states!
Again, if you want to find the best advertised deals on your favorite craft, domestic, or import, your buddies at SaveOnBrew have got the hook up! Be a good beer buddy and use the share buttons to tell your friends!
Yeah, I went through that phase. “There has to be SOME kind of light beer that doesn’t taste like total shit,” I told my husband. “There MUST be some palatable diet beer while I’m slogging away at this last 10 pounds.”
There’s really no way to sugarcoat the stock of light beers on the market. They suck.
Every last one of them is awful. If I had to choose a lesser evil, I guess I might say Amstel Light and Heineken were able to go down without gagging, but it was by no means enjoyable. (SIDE NOTE TO GUYS: gagging == not enjoyable!!!)
Then I hear more bad news about beer and weight loss. “Beer slows down your metabolism and undoes everything you’ve worked to achieve at the gym,” a personal trainer told me.
So what do you do? Just throw in the towel and end it all? Is some arbitrary number on the scale worth giving up your precious beer? Hell, No! Naturally, you find a BEER DIET that totally justifies your depravity and stubborn unwillingness to follow the rules and adhere to common sense.
J. Wilson, a 38-year-old newspaper editor from Iowa, started this salacious fad diet last Lent when he decided that instead of giving up beer for the season, he would eat or drink nothing but beer! He chose a solid doppelbock (good choice), explaining to Men’s Health: “One 12-ounce serving contains 288 calories, and it’s completely unfiltered—just like the kind the German monks consumed in the 1600s. As a result, it retains plenty yeast and B-complex vitamins, making it a hearty, nutritious brew—especially compared to, say, a Budweiser, which has been filtered and pasteurized and weighs in at just 100 calories.” He had a beer at 8 am, noon, 3 pm and 7 pm. He missed the bacon smoothies, but all in all, he lost 25 pounds in 6 weeks on his beer diet!
Paul Fierro, owner of Primo’s Craft Beer in El Paso, Texas, underwent the same challenge, which he said was “inspired by Bavarian Monks who drank only beer during their fasts in the 16th Century” – when you know damn well he was just inspired by that other dude who preached the same spiritual bullshit! Regardless of how he got here, Fierro lost 9 pounds in one week on his beer diet and his buddy lost 13 pounds following the same regimen. Hrmmmmm.
Joe Konrath shot over 100 hours of footage no one wants to watch about his journey battling the food cravings on the Beer Diet. He lost 22 pounds in one month, at last tally… but got so flippin’ crazy he was planning to name his dogs “Guinness,” “Sam Adams” and “Moosehead” so he could eat them… Who the hell eats dogs? Does he think this is Korea?
What I gather is that The Beer Diet is awesome in that:
You get to drink BEER… nice, thick, delicious beer.
You’ll get 110% of your daily value of B vitamins.
You’re also getting calcium, protein, magnesium, phosphorus, potassium, niacin and folate. You probably don't know what those things are, but basically, it's the stuff you need to live.
The nasty side-effect, of course, is that you’ll be so hungry you’ll want to eat Fido.
Man's best friend: tasty with some butter and fried onions?
And, c'mon, what good is drinking if you're counting cans? Four or five is barely getting started, don’t you think? Worst of all, what good is that beer – honestly – if you can’t wash it down with Buffalo wings and a greasy sub from Jim’s Steakout?
Here’s my solution...
If I know I’m going to be drinking, I’ll grab a 100-calorie yogurt, a 100-calorie banana and a cup of coffee.
Then I hit the gym in the morning and burn 500 calories.
That means I’ll be able to drink 1,300 calories that night...
The equivelant of 10.4 (125-calorie) Guinness Draught or Beamish (SURPRISE – DIET BEER DOES EXIST!)
Guys, you can go up to 2,200 calories on a workout day in your diet, so that would be 16 beers for you (damn you!!!)
If I’m feeling desperate for food, I might take it down to 5 beers and indulge in that 500-calorie half-sub.
You see, one has to make sacrifices somewhere to lose a bit of the chub, but it doesn’t have to give you kidney stones from 30 days of nonstop alcoholism or morbid depression from months of total depravity.
Remember when you were a bachelor? You were such a spring chicken! So free! And strangely, you had enough money in the bank to fund a kegger every weekend AND pay off that Toyota Corolla. Where did things go so wrong?
Women.
That's right. We're not to be trusted. We're money vampires. Seriously. Once you let us into your pants, we’ll bleed your bank account dry. Here are my three favorite ways to convert YOUR money to MY money.
Scenario 1: “I don’t have any cash on me…”
It’s a first date and you take your lady to your favorite local watering hole to impress her with your knowledge of beer, your choice of ambiance and, naturally, to let her know you mean business. (She’s got up to three drunken dates to put out or you’ve already moved onto that cute redhead making eyes at you during the last work party!)
You're off to a bad start because she was late to begin with, but then she tells you, “I don’t have any cash on me.” No one likes to use their credit card at the bar and you don’t want to be that cheesedick who has to explain to the barista that you could plan ahead by purchasing condoms and making sure your flat-mates weren’t going to be around that night, but you couldn’t be bothered to stop at the ATM. Sucker.
Scenario 2: “I don’t have any pockets!”
Now you’re out for a night on the town and she’s got her little sexy red dress on...
But alas, no pockets to hold her wallet.
Suddenly, you panic and imagine yourself holding her Gucci purse all night while she dances or hanging onto her bulging wallet like it’s your parasitic twin’s penis in your pocket.
For some reason, the words come out of your mouth: “Don’t worry about it. I got this.” Way to go, Hero. You could have A) Offered to hold onto her cash B) Offered to hold onto her ATM card or C) Told her she looks better in Jeans (since they’ll be on the floor soon enough anyway).
Scenario 3: “I never had THAT beer before!”
Things are going great until she spots the Stella Artois in your fridge.
She was never much of a beer drinker before. She’d have maybe a glass of wine or a $2 mixed drink at the bar… no big deal. Her eyes are on your green bottle now and you cave. “Go ahead. Try it. If you don’t like it, I’ll drink it,” you tell her knowingly.
To your dismay, she greedily gulps it down and demands you two head right to the store to stock the entire fridge with this miracle gateway beer. Suddenly, she’s daydreaming of road trips to Vermont microbreweries, sponsoring beer and food tasting parties, begging you to shell out $50 a ticket for the local beer fest and drinking you under the table every night.
The moral of the story is simple: Stick with your bros, your cheap brews and your blinders.
If anything is true in life, it’s that music and beer go together like barley and hops. In fact, I'm shocked there isn't some country duo called 'Barley and Hops' -- "He's Scott Barley... and I'm Barney Hops... together, we're Barley and Hops!"
Here are a few music and beer pairings you can whet your whistle and stomp your feet to.
“Sorry For Party Rocking” (LMFAO)
Genre: Club
If you don’t hate LMFAO by now (after that Kia commercial, New Year’s Eve and the Super Bowl), then this jam is a “must” for your beer pong tournament. “I’m true to the game too, it’s called beer pong and I can’t lose,” they sing. And when everyone gets real drunk, you can play this song encouraging the girls to “do something crazy – like flash your titties!”
Pair With: Budweiser,Stella Artois, Dos Equis, Mich Ultra
“Only When I’m Drunk” (Tha Alkaholiks)
Genre: Hip-Hop
I’m not gonna lie… I have no idea what’s going on in this song. All I can tell you for sure is that the music video is full of blonde liquid being poured about and they’re just mixing all that shizzle up with Tanqueray and the chronic, so the DJ’s not the only one spinning in this song.
While you’re at it, why not throw down some Snoop Dog “Gin N’ Juice,” even though it’s not about beer, and get wild with Beastie Boys’ “Brass Monkey.” Hell, you can even instruct someone to grab you a beer from the fridge by singing Busta Rhymes “Gimme Gimme Gimme… Gimme some more.” There are no boundaries that can’t be crossed in hip-hop and that’s why you like it.
Pair With: Colt 45, Old English40 oz.
“Gimme A Beer” (Diamond Rugs)
Genre: Indie
Admittedly, this song sounds like every other CD that was passed over my desk when I was music director at my college radio station. But hey, craft beer drinkers need something to listen to as well. So you just sit yourself on the couch (with your beer) and say, “Damnit, Bitch, it’s good to be a gangster.”
Pair With: Harpoon, Magic Hat, Saranac, Pyramid, Sierra Nevada, Sam Adams
“There’s A Tear In My Beer” (Hank Williams Jr. and Sr.)
Genre: Country
Are you in the mood to put your cowboy boots up on the picnic table, put your arm around the person next to you, sway and sing a sad, sad song? Look no further than a country song like “There’s A Tear In My Beer.” Or you can try Garth Brooks’ “Beer Run” if you’re feeling a bit less morose (odds are, though, if you're listening to country music, you're gonna have to look that one up). Beer Run is upbeat -- fresh out of work, you're running for “half a dozen cases” that “doesn’t last that long.”Good times! Horrible hangovers.
Pair With: Pabst Blue Ribbon, Budweiser, Keystone Light, Miller Light
“Barroom Hero” (Dropkick Murphy’s)
Genre: Punk
The great thing about the Dropkick Murphy’s is that you can just pop any old album in and get a collection of songs all about boozing and bruising. I recommend “Barroom Hero” because it’s ideal for getting rowdy, smashing a few chairs, swinging your friends around by their arms and falling on your ass a few times.
But you can also opt for “Beer Beer Beer” if you want something that sounds a little more traditional Irish folk tune. I’m a big fan of punk rock – not just because the music is fast and reckless (like me) – but because there are TONS of excellent drinking songs, whether it be Black Flag’s “Six-Pack,” Dead Kennedy’s “Too Drunk To Fuck,” NOFX’s “Beer Bong,” Fear’s “More Beer,” or Gang Green’s “Alcohol.”
Pair With: Guinness, Beamish, Harp, Murphy’s, Smithwick’s, Killian’s (strangely, those are my favorites...)
“Beer Drinkers & Hell Raisers” (ZZ Top)
Genre: Bad Ass Classic Rock
This song is recommended for the baby boomers or the awkward 20-something who parties with his dad (and all the friends he grew up fearing based on overheard snippets of “camping trip” stories.) ZZ Top lends itself very naturally to air guitars, passing out fake beards and sunglasses, and all-around feeling like a total bad ass (even if you did show up riding a “Hardley” Davidson).
The neat thing about this tasteful pairing is that there are certain traditions involved.
First rule: When the band begins the familiar oom-pa-pa of “Ein Prosit,” you’d better stand up. (This is not just out of respect; it is also a good gauge of how drunk you are. If you’re too drunk to stand, you should probably sit this one out.)
Second rule: Sing along. If you don’t know the words – just holler sweet nothings at the top of your lungs and fake it like everybody else.
Third rule: At the end of the song, you have to chug whatever is left of your beer.
Fourth rule: No matter how many times the band plays this song or how soon it reappears in the playlist, YES, you still have to chug your beer.
Let’s face it, fellow assholes, we drink craft beer because we think we’re better than everyone else.
I know it stings...
... That's how you know it's the truth.
Our palettes are just so sensitive to the swirling of hops, malt, yeast, barley and subtle flavorings that we have lost sight of how full of shit we are.
Maybe some people like the fact that their beer is priced out of market for the common plebe. It makes you feel good... separates wheat from chaff, am-I-right? But after a while, it hurts shelling out a hundred bucks to drink every night, while our friends laugh all the way to the bank.
Right about now, you're thinking: well, if you price it out by alchol percentage per beer, you're actually getting a better deal drinking craft --
WRONG!
Harness the power of "the Googles," my friend. Look into it yourself. God knows, you won't believe me.
Let's talk about YOU.
You're a non-conformist. You not only WALK your own path but, GOD DAMMIT, you MAKE your own path! It's your duty to share your vast knowledge of craft brews and drag your heathen friends kicking and screaming to the bar, PUT THE BOTTLE (OR PINT) IN THEIR HANDS and then... hey...
... they like it too.
Of COURSE they like it!
And then they get the bill and you watch as their little wheels turn and they do the 3rd grade math. In thier hands, a seven-dollar can of beer -- Mana Wheat (nice choice) ... further down the bar, a group enjoys a five-dollar pitcher of Bud...
Simple math.
THUS THE DILEMMA.
You've not only introduced your one-and-only friend that's not a blow up doll to craft beer, but that same friend simply can not afford to drink said beer. Sad but true.
But good news! There actually are some great beers that won't break the bank. So when your friend looks at you with puppy-dog eyes, and you come to the startling realization that you can't pay for all of his beer because you can barely afford your own, here are a few suggestions for...
CRAFT BEER ON A BUDGET
Generally just under ten bucks a sixer:
Long Trail
Flying Dog
Sam Adams
Flying Bison
Great Lakes
Harpoon
Generally just a smidge over $10 per sixer:
Smuttynose
Brooklyn
Shipyard
Lastly, make sure you understand your home turf.
I, for instance, can go to the Ebenezer Ale House (my local joint in Buffalo, YO! SHOUT OUT TO THE 7-1-6!) and enjoy everything from Spaten and Flying Bison to Krak and Guinness for $3 a pint any day of the week from 4 to 7pm. In the industry, we call this a "bad ass deal."
KNOW YOUR LOCAL HAPPY HOUR SPECIALS! If you work a job during happy hour… quit. You’re just spending your entire paycheck on overpriced beer anyway.
Hugs,
Jennn
* Prices vary from location to location, but for the purposes of this article were based on this site.
* PS, first stop to check beer prices? SaveOnBrew.Com. Obviously!
* PPS, you know they're mobile now? Pull 'em up on your 'droid or iPhone! Try it!
Where else can we watch gigantic tattooed men THUNDER down the floor at a medium jog and SLAM the ball through a hoop!
By the way, Air Jordan owns (or pwns, depending on your age...) the vertical leap title with a whopping 48 inches! That's 4 inches more than King James!
Suck it, James!
So without further adieu, here's a handy-dandy infographic on how you're paying the BILLIONS in salary these cats make. Enjoy!
Over the past five years, we’ve wisely (IMHO) opted to smote beers like Old Milwaukee, Bud Select and Miller Genuine Draft.
Their sales obviously didn’t plummet because we stopped drinking beer. I’d like to think that Americans are foregoing the beers our fathers and grandfathers favored because we’re getting more mature and refined in our taste.
Granddad was the honey badger of his time. He didn’t give a shit if his beer tasted good. He'd drink straight from the bottle of Kessler and whisper to me "each one takes 5 years off grandma."
(Not really my Grandma!)
I didn't know what he meant back then. I do now. But I wish I didn't.
Grandma always told me to steer clear when "grandpa took his medicine.”
Back then, you drank to get DRUNK. End of story. You also drank because “America is great” -– so, in other words, you didn’t drink those rat bastard Commie beers like Yanjing or Nazi beer like Löwenbräu. You drank Budweiser and Pabst Blue Ribbon… GO GO ‘MERICA!
I'd like to think (hope) that, as beer-drinkers, we've matured to something a little more pleasing to the palette.
Yet, according to beer sales, our collective tastes have swayed to...
THE TOP 10 (SELLING) BEERS IN AMERICA 2012
Bud Light: 19.2% market share
Budweiser: 12%
Miller Light: 8.6%
Coors Light: 7.8%
Natural Light: 4.2%
Corona: 4%
Busch: 2.8%
Busch Light: 2.8%
Heineken: 2.4%
Miller High Life: 2.3%
Are you utterly flabbergasted!?
It makes me throw up in my mouth just a little bit. It’s not even like we’re trading up for beer with higher alcohol content! We’re just trading one old watered-down, tin-flavored beer for another!
Shame on you, America! Shame on you!
I’ve always said that people who say their favorite beer is Coors Light are really saying they don’t like beer at all. The fact that it’s #4 in market share literally horrifies me.
Interesting how Budweiser is both “most loved” and “most hated.” Well, “The King” has a longer way to fall… what can I say? People are still talking about those stupid fucking frogs..
... and I still have one friend who answers his phone with that obnoxious “WHASSSSSSUP?!”
Budweiser is still a major sponsor of Nascar and (again, IMHO) seems to be big among dentally challenged American brothers and sisters. Make of that what you will.
The fact that Natural Ice and Busch show up at all only tells me that the older guys switched to cheaper brands once Budweiser became “too uppity.” Sadly, I wonder about the relationship between decreased retirement income and appearance of Busch and Natty. The worms, the spice... is there a connection?
One thing glaringly apparent: Americans are drinking more LIGHT beer.
Is this our way of combating the obesity epidemic and our bulging beer guts? “Oh, I’ll just drink LIGHT beer. That’ll help me lose weight!”
C'mon! You KNOW that’s not true. So you must be doing it because you think OTHER people will think you care about how you look.
You imagine they'll presume you spend your non-drinking hours pumping iron, running 5-Ks, and eating rice cakes dabbed with organic probiotic low-fat hummus (whatever the fuck that is!).
The reality is (and we both KNOW this...) that when you're not at the bar, you're on the couch swilling your crap beer and gorging yourself on Totino's Pizza Rolls, twice-fried Honey Teriyaki wings, and eating vanilla cake frosting...
... from the can... with your fingers.
So those are the top selling beers in America. They make up about 95% of ALL beer sold.
Sadly, I admit that price is a big factor in beer choice and I wish that wasn't the case. We've become a country of quantity over quality, a country of super-sized eating, big-gulp drinking, buffet-loving, XXXXL fat asses where price is king, even when the product isn't fit for the plebes.
Before you go jumping down my throat, keep in mind that my upcoming list is based purely on beer sales – not which beers may or may not have given me a skull-crushing hangover in the past (or which boys I may or may not have dumped over their questionable love of skunkwater).
To be clear, we’re talking about beers that have dramatically fallen out of favor in America over the past 5 or 6 years.
America’s MOST HATED beers as of 2012:
Michelob: - 75%
Michelob Light: - 64%
Bud Select: - 60%
Milwaukee’s Best: - 53%
Old Milwaukee: - 52%
Miller Genuine Draft: - 51%
Milwaukee’s Best Light: - 34%
Budweiser: - 30%
Where did those brewers (and their corporate marketing arms) go so wrong? I have several points to make on this.
First of all, Michelob...
.. tried to combine what appears to be burnt human hair, spoiled milk,some nail clippings and a hop (singular) into a bottle to compete with Heineken and high-end imports.EPIC FAIL.
Secondly, Old Milwaukee is Pabst’s “high-end” product...
... but “the poor man’s beer” is sort of like a cash-poor Newt Gingrich trying to keep up with Mitt Romney’s Super PACs… not gonna happen. It's swill, peeps. But I think, beneath your (ironically) too-hipster mainstream glasses, you already knew this.
(P.S., you can buy the hat here for $29.95! Be the hit of your next trailer park party!)
Maybe it was different when Old Milwaukee was the only local Wisconsin brew, but everyone else has moved to town and now they’re just a dime-a-dozen, or maybe a penny-a-dollar might be more accurate.
It's like that time in high school when you were chasing after the school skank because she was pretty much the only game in town (and you heard from a friend-of-a-friend she might give out a handy behind the shop shed). Then some new hottie showed up. Eventually, you realized you might have to work a little harder to get the new hottie, but at least she had clean hands.
Sure, pitchers may be a buck a pop, but you’d have to pay me more than that to drink a pitcher of Old Mil'. All the marketing in the world can’t save a beer that tastes like it was fermented with dog hair gathered from the bottom of a dirty bathtub.
Third, Bud Select has Jay-Z as a spokesperson…
...‘nuff said.
Fourth: Budweiser? Not even American anymore! Now owned by InBev (just like everyone else), they've given up the only decent selling point they had.
I say “Good riddance” to these disgusting old "traditions." We've lost our way when something that's continually condemned as "bad" is marketed as "a tradition."
IT'S A BAD TRADITION!
The hubby and I don't crack open a sixer once a month to celebrate the "grand old tradition" of Aunt Flo and Uncle Red returning for yet another visit!
The only upside is that, just like Neo in The Matrix...
... we're finally beginning to WAKE UP.
The result is more room being made in the cooler for real beer made for real people who actually preferthe taste of malt, hops, yeast and barley over water scooped from the tranquil rivers bordering Bayonne, New Jersey.
Sure, there are all sorts of cool things that pop on Super Bowl Sunday.
The friends...
The parties...
The food...
The game...
AND THE BEER!
Never wanting to miss an opportunity to see how our most beloved adult bevy impacts American culture, we wondered: Exactly how much brew is America tipping back during “the big game?”
More importantly, how much money could SaveOnBrew save our fellow Americans?
In what is most certainly a scientific study, our conclusion was “a shitload.”
We had to start somewhere, so we looked to the good people at Nielsen who, whilst not peeking into our living rooms to check to see if we’re still watching Jersey Shore (we're not...)
also collect scads of data on consumer purchases.
SaveOnBrew interpolated the consumption from last year’s Super Bowl (49.3 million cases) into this year. How did we get to 50 million cases? We guessed! (but we’re predicting a slight uptick in 2011 consumption and thus, we bumped it to 50 million cases. Besides, it made all the math easier.)
Now, we know you’ve told us a hundred million times not to exaggerate. FIFTY MILLION CASES!? Yeah. Really. But get this. The Beer Institute (that must be a cool place to work) guesses that GAME DAY CONSUMPTION will be 325M gallons! At first you might think, yeah? So? What’s the big deal? Well if the Beer Institute is right (and we think they might have skipped the "pass" part of puff-puff-pass)...
.... that means that enough beer is being consumed on that ONE DAY that every single man, woman and child in the entire country is drinking about ten beers.
Now THAT’S a lot of beer. Anyway, we cooked up our cool infographic (up there at the top...) that spells it all out.
It’s really pretty simple:
You buy the beer...
You drink the beer…
You whiz it away, only to move on to the next...
Sing it with us: It’s the circle… the CIRCLE OF LIFE!
Since you’re drinking all that beer anyway, save a few bucks by checking out www.SaveOnBrew.Com first. Put in your zip code, find the lowest advertised deals. Simple! Our Super Bowl prediction:
Every guy has had that moment when this question runs through his little reptilian one-track mind...
Should I buy that chick a beer?
Understandably, greenbacks are in short supply. I get that.
If you choose the wrong girl and squander all the precious beer money, you’ll be sober, poor, and horny.
BUT...
... should you miss buying the right girl a beer (and believe me, "right" goes wayyyy beyond the simple possession of a vagina!) you might miss out on a golden opportunity (no sexual innuendo there, perv!).
Here are ten reasons you should buy me -- a real live woman, not a blow-up doll like the one crammed under your bed! -- a beer.
Of course, I'm not going to really be there (please, God, please...) but these tips work on just about every lass hanging near the bar.
And, yes, we have covert discussions about this in the lady's room all the time.
Jennn Fusion's...
TEN REASONS YOU SHOULD BUY ME A BEER!
1. Because Wine will make me sloppy.
You’ll probably have to pick me up from the pavement more than once as my dizzy ass tries to put one foot in front of the other. At some point, I'll become overemotional and start crying about nothing whatsoever.
I'll call it "maudlin,” you'll call it "boner suicide."
2. Liquor will make me sicker.
Do you like holding back the hair of some quasi-stranger while she yaks? Puke breath a turn-on? Does picking chunks of vomit from the floor-mats of your car make you feel like a man? Guys often try to take the hard-liquor shortcut into a girl’s pants -- dude! That's a huge risk! We never feel the buzz. We just feel the joy of barfing to Bon Jovi’s “Livin On A Prayer,” with zero advance warning.
Good times!
3. Buying me beer shows that you are generous and kind-hearted.
I start thinking about how I could possibly pay you back for all this generosity. I also start-thinking about what sort of a husband and father you might make. At that point, you might notice me looking at you like this:
Surely you won't let that freak you out!
4. Buying me beer makes you funnier, smarter, and more handsome.
I don’t know exactly how it works, but it’s true. Perhaps you've become acustomed to my radiant beauty and more confident, which is the key to sex appeal. Or maybe I become less discerning and more friendly, which is the key to sex in general. Either way, good move. Systems are 'go' for launch!
5.Buying me beer gives you a chance to show your true colors.
Maybe small-talk was never your thing and you just want to “tell me something about yourself” by selecting a beer of choice for me. (See my previous article on “What Your Beer Says About You” for details and choose wisely!) You gotta open up to me. You wanna ride, Cowboy? It's gonna cost ya!
6. Buying me beer shows that you’re successful.
Here’s a little-known secret: Women are attracted to men that…
Have a job;
Manage their money; and
Know how to treat a lady (and monsters like me… *wink, wink*).
If you came to SaveOnBrew, you most likely already fit that demographic. Congrats!
Sure, we may not seem like ladies when we’re guessing your weight by groping you under the bar, but regardless, spending a little money gives the impression that you’re doing okay for yourself… even if you're not.
7.Buying me beer gets you off the hook.
Let's say we're friends (or, in your testosterone-infused brain, fuck-buddies-to-be) and you totally forgot it was my birthday. This is how I like my cake. And by cake, I mean... cake:
In lieu of a card or suitable gift, just drag me to the bar for a birthday beer and I’ll consider all aberrations forgotten. In fact, you're my new best friend because you know me so well!
8.Buying me beer gives us something to talk about.
Yes, I am fascinated that you know how to pronounce “Smithwick’s” properly! I did not know you were an expert in beer and food pairing! That is ab-so-lutely FASCINATING! I love Guinness too! No, I have never gone to the local brewery for a tasting but I would love to! Do I want to see your room? Uh...
9.Buying me beer ensures a good long evening.
Beer is predictable, which is part of the beauty of it. I know how one beer an hour feels and how much I can push it to get a solid buzz. I’ll admit -- I’m not a cheap drunk -- but (GOOD NEWS!) inexperienced female beer drinkers are! We’ll have more time to talk if I stick to beer. And I know how you looooove talking.
10.Buying me beer is an easy way to put forth effort.
Who wants to buy flowers, buy dinner, buy a ring, or put any effort into reading my mind to know what I’ve been hinting at wanting for months? Buying me beer is always the right size, shape, and color. It’s always available. It’s as easy as ... oh, easy as ripping our clothes off in a fit of passion later.
So, cheers and let the beer drinking commence!
Wanna show me you're a real stud?
Show me how you can pick up a sixer at a steep discount via SaveOnBrew.
That's a panty-dropper.
Promise!
-- Jennn
P.S. - Don't be shy! Got something to say? Post it below!
Check it out Texas… Start saving this weekend!
